The Response to "Should women ask men out?"
Lolah inspired me to rant and rave in my own blog in response to her blog.
As I mentioned in the comments to her blog, its all about increasing your chances of success. If you are serious, and I mean really serious about finding someone, waiting on a man to approach you is like waiting on him to buy you a scratch off lottery ticket whenever he feels like it. Your chances of winning are solely on his terms. If you take it upon yourself to purchase your own, you have significantly increased your chances of finding a winning ticket. I can't put it any simpler than that.
If a person is unemployed and really needed a job, they would undertake any effort to enhance they chances of successfully finding employment. Why won't a female looking for a serious relationship follow the same philosophy? My conclusion is that you would like to have a man, but your fine without one. That's like says it would be nice to have a job, but I just don't want to put in any extra effort to get one.
Many females use tradition as the foundation for their beliefs on this subject. "Men like to chase, let them chase you." Well, I know plenty of other things that are traditional. I also thought it was traditional for a female to cook for a man instead of a man taking a woman out to a restaurant every time. Truth of the matter is, most men are aware that there are several women who use men just so they can spend money on them. WAIT! I know what your about to say. Men use women for sex. My solution to that is to let it be known up front that "it ain't going down like that", even before the first date. If he chooses to still go out with you, you may have a winning ticket in your hand.
From a pure competition stand point, if you're out with your girls at a lounge or party or whatever, suppose there are 40 women in the room and only 13 men, its a huge gamble that the men in the room are going to notice you out of 40. Walking over and starting a conversation would be a great way to stand out in a crowd, other wise your just another resume on a stack of 40 applying for the same job. You may say, "he's going to think he's got some easy coochie". Well, if he bases those thoughts on you starting a conversation, then he's an idiot and you don't want his number anyway.
I find it amazing that in 2009 we have female CEO's running companies, running for the presidency, closing billion dollar deals in the board room, etc., most are afraid to do something as trivial as starting a conversation and asking for a number. I have several theories on why this is still the case.
#1. Being cheap! The person who asks someone out is usually obligated to pick up the check.
#2. Afraid of rejection! Women have been screaming about equal rights and having the same opportunities as men for a long time. Well, men have been dealing with rejection from women for centuries. After you swallow your pride, I promise that you will get over it about 5 seconds after it occurs, we do.
#3. Don't want to appear desperate! It's all about the presentation. Your confidence will be communicated with your conversation. The men that are keepers are not intimidated by successful, confident or dare I say "independent" women. There is much confusion about what men think about independent women. We don't care how successful you are when we first meet you. We are more concerned about your personality and sexuality (at first glance) when we have an initial conversation. Probably not a good idea to mention everything you accomplished in life, unless he asks. Again, it's all about how you present yourself.
#4. Don't want to communicate an invitation for sex! If your not putting that vibe in the air and he still elects to think it, he's and idiot and you should keep it moving as far away from him as possible.
I know this may be different from what your use to doing, but we live in different times. I believe success or failure with trying this will be based on your selection process. I would recommend not trying this at the club. It is my belief that most women know right from the jump that a guy is not worth his weight, but they still jump in eyes wide shut. I think most men are easy to read, but that's just me.
(Side note: If you think men are out looking for love, think again. Every married guy I know never had that in mind when he met his future wife. The women in their lives basicly showed them that they were keepers during the course of the relationship. I say that to remind you that your thoughts won't always be in sink. Dating is not a simple process.)
If you ladies do decide to continue on your past practices, be prepared to have limited success, especially in a lottery market like ATL, where you competition may be buying her own lottery tickets.
P.S. I know Lolah is going to eat me alive for this blog.
Ok, Ok, we can keep debating on this thing until the end of time and still will disagree. You made a good point. In ATL there are so many more women than men and many of them are going out and being aggressive. In fact the men her seem to expect it, they hardly approach you when you are out anyway. But I want the one that does choose to approach me. The kind of man that I like isn't waiting around for a woman to be the aggressor. Now I don't have a problem with making conversation with you, but hell no, I'm not asking for your number. And with all of the broke ass, bustas here that don't even have a job, I damn sho ain't offering to buy dinner. Contrary to what you think, these men are just as likely to just go out with you to get your free dinner and then have in his mind that you are a meal ticket. Instead having to try and take these these Ni^&%s back and get a refund after I have found out they aren't any good, I'm just going to choose not to buy. Asking guys out to get 20 extra dates that probably won't pan out anyway ain't worth the hassle.
ReplyDeleteOk, you have given me some good insight into the male psyche, and I am very appreciative. It gave me a different version of approaching a man, even though that is still not my style. However, you said: "If your not putting that vibe in the air..." What is the vibe? Because, based on my recent dating experience, men don't know how to read no dam vibes!!!! I'm just saying...the rading that most of them seem to get is: "she's sexy, she smiled at me, she gave me her number....oh, full steam ahead!" Also, you seem to be very open-minded, but many of these men are not. Their senses and masculine aggression has been numbed down by the fact that their are so many lottery picks out there. Approaching them just further numbs their sensibilities and inflates their egos.
ReplyDeleteYou asked, "what is the vibe"? Either men have become experts as hiding their true selves, or women have lost their intuition. It may be a combination of both. If you can't determine what your working with (in a man) in a short period of time, you may waste a lot of time on someone. My definition of a vibe in the air is giving him a sip from the cup, not the whole cup. Dress sexy, but not with a come and get it dress. He has to think he has something in you that he can't find at Wal-Mart or Target. My theory is, if the old strategy is not working, try a new one.
ReplyDeleteWell, I used to think they were experts at hiding, but I now think the reality is that they don't KNOW themselves. They don't know how to love themselves or how to truly walk as men. So, how can you lead a household if you can't lead yourself?
ReplyDeleteBut, the art of courtship is lost. I do agree that we women need to return to coyness and discretion, instead of putting it ALL out there ALL the time. Everybody doesn't deserve ALL of it; it has to be earned. Even the eye candy (unless it's a catwoman suit at a special friend's costume party:-))