An Astronaut’s Tale

Not all astronauts work for NASA

When one thinks of an astronaut, you think of intelligence. These are people who can solve the most difficult equation of quantum physics. If a problem occurs in space, they are over equipped to create a solution.

But, what if there is a parallel universe where astronauts appear to be intelligent, but their actions say otherwise? What if some of these “special” astronauts somehow found themselves among us? What if we pass these “special” astronauts everyday on the street, in the grocery store, or at work?

Now you should be wondering “where is he going with this”, well I had to lead in with something so bizarre, because the 2 astronauts I’m about to tell you about will definitely have you scratching your head. I will recall these events as close to actual as my memory will allow, but you will get the point.

Astronaut #1: Let’s call her Mary

Mary is a late thirties single educated woman with a great job and her own home. Mary has had relationship problems, seemingly, her entire life, but hey, no body’s perfect. Mary met a gentleman about a year ago. Let’s call this gentleman Juan. Before I go any further, I must warn you that nothing I tell you about Juan, other than his ethnicity and physical characteristics, can be verified. Juan is Puerto Rican, athletic, very fit, green eyes, good hair, and is in the military. Juan SAYS he is divorced. Anyway, Mary begins to date Juan and has him living with her within the first month of their introduction. They engage in a relationship, in everyway, that any couple living together would. This goes on for about 2 or 3 months.

Juan SAYS that he is being relocated over seas by the military, and he would like to go visit family in Puerto Rico prior to his departure. So, Juan leaves. Mary calls to make sure Juan made it OK. No Answer. Mary emails. No answer. This goes on for 2 or 3 weeks. She knows that he is still breathing, because she has been checking his MySpace page the entire time, since his departure and sees that he has been logging in. She finally gets an email from him in week 4 saying that he’s been busy running around, and apologized for not getting in contact sooner….. blah… blah… blah. Anyway, Juan SAYS he leaves for Asia for his overseas assignment that should last a year.

Again, Juan disappears for almost a year this time. Mary gets a call from Juan about 3 weeks prior to his return to the states. Juan asks Mary to help him get his credit back on track. Mary agrees and begins the letter writing in his name to the various credit agencies (isn’t she a sweetheart). Juan also informs Mary that his first stop back in the states would be in New Jersey, where his father lives. Mary immediately books a flight to arrive a few days after Juan for a weekend rendezvous. I know this because Mary stayed at my home the night before her 6:30am flight left for Jersey. As I sat across the table from Mary that night, her being clueless about my knowledge of her reason for being in the city, I had to ask “So, what brings you to Atlanta?” She replied, “I’m going to see my man.” I almost choked trying to keep from LMAO. Nevertheless, she woke up early the next morning, after barely being able to sleep, anxious for her flight like a kid on Christmas morning.

About 3 weeks after that day, Juan SAYS he has been assigned to a location in Kentucky. Juan also has new information. Apparently, Juan’s ex-wife just had a child from another man, and since the ex-wife had no insurance, Juan was nice enough to allow the child to be put on his insurance. Isn’t Juan just the best guy ever? What a very noble thing to do?

Just this past weekend, Mary left work around 3:30pm on a Friday and drove to Kentucky to see Juan, her man, arriving around 9pm that night. The next day, Mary made the generous decision to purchase living room and bedroom furniture on her credit to furnish Juan’s apartment in Kentucky. Isn’t she the best?

While staying with her man over the weekend, Mary made a startling discover. She found a box of condoms. Mary became very upset, but immediately calmed down after hearing Juan’s explanation for why he had condoms in his apartment. My first thought was that the condoms were for them, while they practice safe sex, but apparently, I was wrong. Juan explained that he pleases himself because she lives so far away. He further explained that while pleasing himself, it gets messy and he didn’t want to clean up after himself. Therefore, he wears condoms to avoid said messiness (why didn’t I think of that, he’s a genius). Mary understood Juan’s reasoning and resumed their weekend until she made her long trip back home on Sunday.




Astronaut #2: Let’s call her May

I met May through work. Again, May is a late thirties single educated woman with an OK job and her own home. Mary has had relationship problems, seemingly, her entire life, but hey, no body’s perfect. One day she walked in my office seeking relationship advice. I asked several questions to see where her head was at. May didn’t seem to understand why guys would never call her back after she had sex with them, almost immediately after meeting them. She began to tell me about her most recent quagmire with this one guy.

Genius Move #1:
She recently met a guy and was at his apartment on a sexual encounter. Later that night there was a knock at the door. The guy jumps up startled and hesitantly answers the door. It was his girlfriend. He argues with her for a minute at the door, before walking back into the bedroom to inform May that she had to leave. May makes a smart remark or two to the guy but leaves nevertheless, while the guy’s girlfriend stays. The guy calls May the next day and offers an apology and explanation for the mix up the night before. May accepts his apology and is back at his place for another sexual encounter that night.

Genius Move #2:
May calls me one day upset because of something that recently happened to her. I immediately became worried and asked her to explain what the problem was. May tells me that she was at some guy’s house about to have a sexual encounter with him for the first time. The guy informed her that he didn’t have any condoms, but assured her that he was clean. May agreed to have sex as long as he agreed not to “do his business” while on her. He agreed so they proceeded with the act. Next, May informed me that he didn’t keep his side of the deal, and that’s why she was calling me upset.

I could not believe what my ears had just heard.

Conclusion:
I have concluded that there are some “special” astronauts in this world that should not be in any type of relationship. These people are not strategically equipped to handle the complex and dynamic characteristics involved in the cat and mouse game of male and female relationships. A person must be equipped with a good mixture of common sense, education, and life experiences to adequately handle any type of relationship in today’s world. To put it point blank, if a guy is not up on his game, the right woman will run circles around him and vice versa.